The shield of Denial and its “anti”
All roads led to Denial this week. By which I mean I’ve had a week in which Denial has kept popping up into my life; in a cluster of 3.
1) I was recently subject to a bullying incident (which corresponds with Pellere - impel on the Ki), by an older man, and I called them out on it, and was met with denial of there having been any bullying from another woman present (who was not herself the perpetrator). She is someone I did not expect that response from.
2) A close friend of mine has family deny her childhood abuse at the hands of another family member, and their upcoming cruise visit and expectation of them for her to fly and join the cruise with her son-in-tow to meet them aboard the cruise - is re-surfacing the issue of the denied abuse and tension, the anger and suffering she feels over it, and the effect her family’s denial has had on her life and sense of self-worth.
3) In the newspaper today, the story of a man shot dead outside New York Hilton Midtown hotel with bullet shell casings inscribed with “Deny”, along with “Defend” and “Depose”. The man was Brian Thompson, CEO of United Healthcare. The company United Healthcare is well known for its high profits and its high percentage of denial of health insurance claims.
Image: Bullets lie on the sidewalk at the scene outside the Hilton Hotel in midtown Manhattan where Brian Thompson, the CEO of UnitedHealthcare, was fatally shot, Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2024, in New York. (AP Photo/Stefan Jeremiah)
The “Denegare” (Latin) Deny glyph of The Ki Power Dynamics. Copyright Leonora Weston.
On the Ki Power Dynamics, “Denegare” or Deny is located on the the furthest right of the diagram; it is the most extreme, the most “anti”. It is depicted as a shield, with a cross on it.
Its origins come from a healthy benign place. That of an infant, a baby, who is full of milk in its belly, pulls away from the nipple moving its head to one side so that its mouth is turned as away from the nipple, and turning the cheek.
“No more” (milk / food ingestion) - the baby is saying.
The universal “no” shake-of-the-head sideways, back-and-forth, is believed to originate from this early infancy moving of the head away from the nipple. The mouth is tightly closed, preventing ingestion.
Denegare in Latin is made up of “De” - meaning “away”, and Negare - “no”.
The “no, away!” is an act of defensive autonomy, an act of self, and what it believes is best to protect itself and its own interests.
This is an important boundary measure for the individual. It enables us to say “no” and turn away from and that which is not in our own interests.
However this primitive defence mechanism of Denial - can cause a lot of harm to others, when the others’ reality or needs are being denied by someone upon whom they rely upon for support.
Activation of Denial shield
I need for self-protection or my self-interests are more important to me than your wants or needs —> Your wants or needs are devalued in relation to my prioritisation of my own interests.
I feel under threat or attack in some way —> I am putting up my defensive shield to protect myself.
I don’t want to look at or deal with the thing because it’s unappetising to me to deal with
—> I’m turning the cheek away, not ingesting as I’m full up right now, or the matter is so unpleasant that I deny its existence.
What is coming at me is so big, has so much force power, that I can’t deal with it —> I am shielding myself until it goes away or dissipates, or I gain enough strength or a better approach to deal with it.
Tragically, the person on the receiving end of another’s Denial may feel as if:
I, my feelings, suffering, am of such little worth or value, in the estimation of the Denier.
I am seen as an aggressive monster or enemy threat by the Denier.
I seem to have something so unappealing or disgusting about me or what I am offering, that the Denier won’t even look at me or take in what I am offering or have to say.
I feel they want me to be smaller and meeker, to go away, or not exist.
You’ll see that each aspect on the four corresponds with the Activation of the Denial Shield list above - which is the actual reason the Denier is denying. This insight may be helpful to both parties to understand what the underlying activation is stemming from, and the risk of negative affect on Others.
Resources: See also “The Wall of Denial and Resolutions Approach” Figure 3.2, page 43, of Andrew Turner and Susanne Essex (2006) Working with Denied Child Abuse: The Resolutions Approach, Open University Press, ISBN 978-0335216574
Denier group members who didn’t see it first-hand
(therefore in their eyes it didn’t happen)
Another form of Denial is the family member or bystander who didn’t themselves “see” the abuse or alleged behaviour, and / therefore are skeptical that it happened.
I didn’t see the thing you’re alleging occurred and I’m doubtful / skeptical —> I privilege “My Seeing Eye” of perception and judgment (symbolically as “eye of God”), which I hold as Superior and regard as above the allegations of someone claiming something occurred that I didn’t personally witness or see.
I respect and/or have loyalty to the person being accused, and have a high bar before I’ll believe anything negative said about them —> I judge (with bias) that therefore it’s likely the accuser is exaggerating or lying out of malevolence, manipulation, jealousy, self-interest, wanting to get money, is a pathological liar, or crazy or mentally unstable.
I am inclined to maintain my position of skepticism unless they provide undeniable proof - which ensures I avoid the guilt or shame I would feel if it turns out I got it wrong and didn’t validate and support them and protect others because I can assign that to not seeing it and not having sufficient evidence so being entitled to my doubt —> I am invested in my skepticism, doubt them and it’s the accuse needs to provide undeniable hard evidence in front of me before I will revisit their claims.
Tragically, the person (victim) on the receiving end of the Other’s Denial may feel as if:
I feel disbelieved, unheard, invalidated, unsupported and alone, and left in suffering and without protection from or consequence for the perpetrator, who is enabled to continue their behaviour on the victim or others.
The skeptic denier doesn’t believe me - casts up awful and / or untrue things about me and denigrates me and my credibility - needing some kind of explanation for why I am making the claim of abuse. (eg that I am manipulative, or a pathological liar, jealous, mentally unstable or psychotic, in order to maintain their faith in or support the standing of the perpetrator, and cast me as not-to-be-believed.)
It’s distressing being around them (the skeptic denier), in which I feel like I lose integrity and respect for myself to be around them and maintain any illusion of association or allegiance with them (the skeptic denier) and have to pretend and keep up a fake facade that I’m ok with them, when I’m not), or I feel forced to make the difficult decision to avoid them or even cut them from their life.
The rate of false accusation is actually very low - although not zero.
Statistically, the UK police published statistics of domestic violence claims total including those made by men. In a 4 year period of 2018-2021, amongst females it was 39 of 27,6834 = 0.014088%. The overall total including men for same period was 50 of 36,5353 = 0.013685%. (Source)
For other allegations, most most robust data puts false allegations at around 2.1to 2.5%, depending on criteria used. (Sources: 2005 British Home Office Study and 2006 Australian Study)
Cancer Denial
One topic of particular interest to me is cancer denial, which is a complex topic and there are aspects of cancer denial that can actually be helpful (you may think paradoxically) to patients.
However cancer denial can cause many to not seek out help in a timely fashion - scans, diagnosis, treatment options, which causes their cancer to meanwhile advances and the Denial may be to their detriment. (Bob Marley is an often cited famous example and there are many.)
I intend to work on this topic in a much more considered way in the future as it is one that is an important issue and much empathy, kindness and consideration should be brought to it.